I wanna know what love is.

Damn. I still cannot handle matters of my heart. I know, its been 20 years since I was born. I had experienced so much heartaches, and swore a million times to be stronger and better the next time. But why do I commit the same mistake every time? Who's that insane to believe that someone, some cute guy, will fall for an ugly guy like you, with just several hours of "nice" conversation over a site wherein you cannot even see each other? I am too foolish to believe. Besides I forgot what I used to always comment on the younger generations: young people tend to be very impulsive. They easily feel "love", with some sweet gestures and good people, they may fall right away. All of these background data are disregarded, as if I have not experienced all these before.

I expected. Or maybe that word is an understatement. I know, I even told my friend that I would never invest my feelings right away, but there you go. You got me, and now, I dunno if I'm still expecting for something. This is so saddening. I know, if you'll text me in the future, all these shits will be erased as if nothing happened. What can I do, it seems that I'm that hungry for love. Well at least non platonic ones.

So till now, I'm looking for you. Being a shit all the while. Hope to see you soon, baby.

And now I'm falling... falling fast again

This is something I really hate about myself. I easily fall for people.

I know, as of now, it's just admiration- you're just my crush. But I'm not even supposed to feel this way for you. I promised that never will I fall in love, or even have a crush on you. And hell no, I have no plans of breaking any promise that I have already done.

I met you in a male chatting site wherein I have recently entered this month. I wasn't expecting too much from there, or maybe I wasn't expecting for anything at all. I just registered there for experience, trying my luck and taking chances to find new friends, and maybe lover(s). LOL.

You were the second person whom I felt comfortable with chatting in the site, though you were the first who had learned of my real identity. You said to me that you were someone I can trust. And being the gullible person that I am, I easily gave in. I know that my instincts were never wrong when it comes to the people whom I will be trusting, and I know you are not an exemption. We exchanged phone numbers, and you even planned of talking in skype the first time we texted. I became sweet to you, knowing that you like those people like me. Then the friendship grew deeper, and that was the time you told be about your partner, whom you broke up with recently. Honestly, I saw that as an opening for me. I showed much concern to you, as you did to me too. Then you added me in another social networking site, warning me and asking my word not to fall in love or have crush on you. That was the first text that I got that morning, and that made my day a living hell. I was so pissed off by your arrogance that I hurriedly checked my account to see you photos. And there, I was disappointed to see someone not of my type appear on the screen. I told you that i will never have any feelings for you. And that's final.

But for the past few days, we've been talking a lot to each other. At first, through our phones, then later on in skype. I am enjoying your company, for we have good conversations, and you have good sensibility. But recently, we kept on talking about your ex. At first, I liked it when I give advice to you. But damn it, when you said that you were calling each other again and up for some reconciliation thingy, i felt so fucked up. MAN, IT HURTS. I don't know why, but I feel freaking jealous, or at the very least possessive. I saw your face live today, and your smile looks awesome. But then again, I should not fall for this, for I have promised.

So maybe, it's a good bye for now. I am currently stalking you right now, and I am currently convincing myself that you are not someone I would fall for; that those were not the looks of the ideal guy I have been dreaming of. But then again, it's a tedious process which requires a lot of efforts and self control, just like what you are trying to do right now. So I have to keep some distance from you first. I will try.

But before that, I would like to put all my feelings in here. I know you wouldn't be able to read this and know this. And that's the way it should be.

"I like you dude. I really really do. And maybe...


I love you."


Goodbye to this unrequited feeling. I will never break my promise, so don't you worry.

That's what friends are for :)

Friends. They are the people that you can lean on in times of need, and the ones you will celebrate with in times of success. They are the set  of people you cannot imagine your life without. Sometimes they are even more close to you than your own family. You love them next to your partners, or even more. You are not afraid to show your true self to them, knowing that they will be accepting you for whoever, or whatever, you are. So, friends.
They say that the people you love the most are the ones who can give you the most painful heartbreak. I partially believe in this, for I have not felt that much pain when I and my ex broke up even though I knew that he was the center of my life during those time. I guess that was because of my friends who cheered me up during those times of despair. They, who never missed to tell me that there are a lot of men out there who will love you truly. My friends.
The past few days had incurred what seem to me the deepest, most insulting wound in my heart. I know my friends have every right to get mad, so what can I do? I have arranged a gathering which I cannot attend. I know, I know, this is so f*cking wrong. My only mistake is that I have arranged it ahead of time without even looking at my schedule that week. Well actually, I do not have any scheduled activity on that day supposedly. It was just a few days before the said date that my job informed me that I have to go there that day. Honestly, I knew the conflict by the time my job informed me, and I had actually thought carefully what to choose. I informed the agency that I cannot go that day, but they told me that they need me there. I said that I will just text them if I can make it. The morning of that freaking day, I made up my mind that I'll go to my work because I believe that my friends will accept my decision and will understand my needs. After all, they are my friends.
But I was wrong. Maybe because I told them I cannot go hours before the meeting time. And I told them about this through a comment in a social networking site, wherein I saw how the, well, slightly harsh comments came in. I mean, yeah, I know it is my fault, but those reactions were far from what I've expected. And there it is, I was so much wounded that I cannot even make a single post in this site, on the fear of being bashed. Up to this moment, their words kept on echoing in my mind. I cannot bear that these people whom I love so much, hate me. What makes it even worse is that my first guy love is included in this set of friends. and his words are the harshest of all those that I have read. I know that it is all my fault, that's why it hurts even more. I just want to earn some for my future expenses, including several celebrations with them, for I can't bear it anymore to be a leech to their financial prowess. But I guess this doesn't really matter, for they are my friends.
So, I would like to take this opportunity to say sorry. Sorry for ditching you that day. I know, this blog doesn't even tell anything about my true personality, and you might not see this, and that's what I exactly tend to do, for you think that my apology sounds irritating. Of course, this hurting brought some kind of anger in me, but no one would care about this for sure. Besides, I do not have any right to be mad. So again, sorry friends, I will not do that again. For your convenience, I will not also show up for the next months or so. So enjoy your lives, and God bless, my beloved friends...


P.S. As I write this, tears are about to fall from my eyes. Yeah, it hurts that much. This is the truly the deepest wound of my heart. So for the people who will be able to read this, love your friends, and never ditch them.  So for the people who will be able to read this, love your friends, and never ditch them. 

Love (Stupid!)

" Love makes the world go round." "Love is blind." "All you need is love"

Love. Something which is so overrated. People usually go crazy over love, some are even eilling to die for it- why is this so? They said that being in love can be the greatest thing that can happen in your life; that feeling of being sincerely loved by someone can be the best feeling you can ever have in your life; that you can pass through all sufferings if there's love to sustain you. But is love really like that?

Three years ago, I had a boyfriend. He was, technically, the first person whom I told about my true feelings, and my identity. Ever since I was in my first grade, I already knew I am unique: I am attracted to guys, not just physically but also sexually. Yes, at a very early age I was aware of those things, and I blame all those tabloids showing almost naked men for making me like this, haha. Anyway, at that time, that ex of mine had accepted me fully, and our relationship as friends was not affected by such confession. Years after having no contact, our roads had crossed again, not knowing that this merge of path will take us to the road of love. To cut it short, we went into a relationship, which lasted for only two months. Two months of unforgettable experiences and moments, which are still very vivid in my mind up to date. Two months of feeling that you are being loved back by someone, finally. When we broke up, my initial reaction is that, "at last, I'm free". But months, even years later, these memories of two months had almost killed me. I miss our every moment together, his whispering of i love yous on the phone, and his hands holding mine so tight. I miss the way he makes me feel his love for me, or shall I say his "love for me". Three years after, he said to me that he just gave our relationship a "try" , maybe out of curiosity or whatsoever- I dunno, after he said the word "try", my brain had stopped pricessing the rest of the convo. So I wonder, where did those feelings- his affection and passion- for me came from? More so, was I really in live with him? or was it just that I was overwhelmed by the fact that for the first time, someone real us actually responding to my I love yous?

It is with this experience that I have lost faith in love, especially homosexual love. You can' t blame me, for in every blogpost, stories and photos of homosexual couple I see, I always see a pair of good looking guys- something that I am not, at least for myself. No doubt I have the brains, the money- well I am resourceful, and I can find ways to earn money- but certainly not the looks. I am dark skinned, not so tall, fat ( though I think I have lost weight in the couse of my work outs), and not so good looking teeth. All I can boast of is my personality, something that people love- in a platonic way- about me. Every time I have my crushes, or even those peole whom I fall in love with, I end up being hurt and frustrated. And everyone who is in love, whether they like it or not, is hurting, in one way or another. So, why love?

The answer is already there. Loving is hurting, and hurting is loving. Sounds a bit masochist huh? But this is true. It does not necessarily means that you have to be hurt, physically or emotionally, to be considered as a person who is sincerely loving. Sometimes, it's just that loving requires us to make sacrifices, something which can cayse us great pain, but eternal happiness for those that we love. You may feel bad at first:  but as you see him or her happy in the future, you'll learn to accept and be contented with what you have and what had happened

For the true essence of love is in hurting, not in loving.

Today I don't feel like doing anything.

Hay. It's been months since I've last posted. And as far as I can remember, it's been months since I have been this stressed. School works have gotten into my nerves. Being a student is never easy, especially when you are in a program which requires a lot of thinking, not only technically but also imaginatively.
     Way back my high school days, I used to dream of being a Civil Engineer. But as people say, life does not always go the way you want it to be. So I just let my self go with the flow, and now I am here, taking the path to being a future architect.  The path was never an easy one- you get to sleep at most two hours during "peak season" of plates, work with different sorts of people, meet various expectations, and experience failures for a number of times. But despite all the challenges, I know that at the end of this journey is a fruitful and successful life. So I am left with no choice but to strive harder and harder each day.
     The only thing that breaks my heart today is that I hardly speak to anyone anymore. It's not that I isolate my self- I just dont have the luxury of time to do so. The moment I wake up in the morning, I'll turn my computer on to work on my sketchup model. And then, I'll draft til the evening inside my cluttery yet brightly lit room (maybe the lighting makes me see the clutter even more hahaha). Everytime I take a break, the thought of the deadlines keeps on haunting me. So the end result: I'll just go back to work.
    I feel the huge need for someone to talk to. Someone normal, someone who can make me laugh, someone who can take all my worries away. And maybe, someone who can love me. You know, everyone needs an inspiration every once in a while ;)

Hassle free(?)

Hay, another sem is about to start again. Meaning, there will be less sleep, less  time to eat, less leisure activities and mooooooooore of the school works, haha. But it's kinda weird that I feel more excited to do these things in the future. I know, this kind of living had made my life seem so mechanical for the past few months. But no matter how undesirable it may seem, I like the feeling of torturing my self to death by working hard. Is this masochism? I do not know. All I know is that there are certain kinds of pain in which I am very addicted to. haha.

One of those pain is the pain of failing in my expectations, particularly in love. I easily get infatuated to someone, especially those caring, and charming, people. I give meanings to their slightest deeds, and make them my inspiration for my dreams.

Today, I'll go to work, hoping to find someone to love. :

"As long as you love, you will still have hope"

Hay. The Love of Siam is the best.

Even though it was my second time to watch it, I still feel the excitement and the feelings, as if it was my first time to see it. The actors, Pchy and Mario Maurer, were great and very convincing. I also admired the woman who played as the mother; she acted so well. The movie's cinematography was also good.

But the thing that captured me the most was the way the concept and the story was laid out. The director and staff of the movie had done a great job in combining the concepts and scenes together. The movie had carried my emotions so much. It was a fantastic movie, not only because of the same gender love theme, but as a whole. Super thumbs up. you should watch it guys!

P.S. Hay, I can still feel the love <3<3<3

Public service

In a developing country like the Philippines, the government plays a huge role in shaping the future. PUBLIC SERVICE. Something that these officials had sworn by the time that they entered the office. It is the passion to serve his countrymen without further ados, even if this means sacrificing his or her own comfort.

But today, as I line to be a registered viter, together with 499 other people, I cannot feel the passion. I cannot feel the care. most of all, I do not feel the respect. What I feel us intimidation and irritation. aren't thesexpeople supposed to bring the masses close to the government, and not keep them away from it.
 
 There was a numbering system, but it was a random one. I do admit, I feel guilty being ahead those who came in first, but no. IT IS NOT MY FAULT, its the system's.

Right now, my brain isn't working properly already. I feel like being in the game of survival of the fittest.

Ang makarehistro, panalo. Ang mamatay, talo.

A very good morning (?)

"As long as you love, you still have hope"

AWW. The Love of Siam is the beeeeeeeeeest! it is so inpiring! Not only because of the good actors, but also because of the excellent plot and good screenplay. UGH! I can't go over it. Last night (or was it a while ago, I dunno), I have played their ost for three times and still can't get enough! Good thing I remembered that I need to our municipal hall to register. Deym! I have to get sone sleep.

As of now, I am patiently waiting here in the municipal hall, standing with the other future voters. The future which will be clear for at most 500 people everyday, and is threatened for thousand of others. It is now half past seven, and I still have to wait for thirty shit more minutes. Hope this time, I'll be successful.

Efficiency is the key

Ok. Nakaka-asar.

Today, I've set my goal to be a registered voter.

But deym, I was so frustrated going to the municipal hall twice and still not accomplish my agenda. I mean, ok I understand that being in office for almost the whole day dealing with us, the pathetic masses, might consume your energy. But please, I hope you'll still show us even a bit of respect. I asked the person on the front desk (or entrance, whatever) if the registration is still going on. He said "cut-off na, mamayang hapon na ulet".  I asked him again, and he gave the same reply,

Fine.

I went back in the afternoon, hoping that I can finish today. I went in, and there was soooo much chaos: people are everywhere, and there is very poor lighting. Voices of people chatting and officers shouting filled the. I approached an old woman and asked her wher to go and how does the reg process go. And guess what?  She said, "ay cut-off na po. hanggang 500 lang po yung nabigyan ng number. Yung iba nga po dito madaling araw pa nandito eh. Balik na lang po kayo bukas ng umaga, mga  before 7 am. "  Pagkarinig nito, nagpantig talaga yung mga tenga ko. The hell? Why did that man told me to go back by one if the registration was already closed by the time I arrived during the morning?

And why such disorder? despite the small space, order can still be achieved only if some brilliant minds will think. You can put chairs ouside, then have a runner or any personnel who will walk for nearly fifty meters, or even less, to call at least ten people to wait for their turn inside. Unfavorable weather outside?  Use the tents! YEAH, those tents with the face of the government officials. Those tents they use during meetin de avance, feeding programs and other oh-so-Charitable works.  With those techniques, this chaos may be at least lessened. AND PLEASE. Dun sa mga siga-sigaan dyan dahil nakasuot ng uniforms, C'MON. Kung ang presidente nga, tingin sa mga mamamayan, BOSS nya (kahit di ko ramdam), kayo pa kaya? I have nothing against these guys, for I do not know them personally, but these kinds of people are the one putting the government away from the reach of the commoners. They want to be respected, yet they are the ones who disrespect others first. I am not generalizing those guys, JUST SOME OF THEM.
I am a very patient person. I don't really mind waiting, even under the heat of the sun, if I know that the thing I am waiting for is worth the effort. I know, being a registered voter should be worth it, but with this kind of system wherein to register is becoming more of an obligation rather than a privilege, it is hard to be patient.

I'll give it another try tomorro. If ever I'll still not make it, di na ako magpapa-registro this year. I am still worth a vote, sila ang nawalan at hindi ako.

Love-ly

It's been long since I've read a love story. With a very busy sched and tons of work to do, it seems that finding time for reading these blogs is not possible. Oh well, bakasyon ngayon, and this is what I like the most with vacations: having control of your time, and not worrying of "over-sleeping" because you know that tomorrow will not be a busy day.

This story had really caught me. It is about a boy who had a lot of experiences loving men. Reading this story kinda gives me an escape of the reality that never will I experience something like that. It is only here that I feel the kilig I have dreamt of. Good thing I have this very creative and imaginative mind.

This reminds me of the guy I had taught in one of the tutorial sessions that I had attended. At first glance, I knew this boy was carrying a heavy problem on his shoulders. May sound corny, but I saw it through his eyes. The session started, and I did my best to keep awake since I was awake for nearly 18 hours that time without any decent sleep. At first, I felt his hesitation to open up to me, making our conversation purely academic. And because I am in my highest sabaw state during that moment, I made the moves to shift the conversation. And I was successful. He had shared some of his problems and experiences. There was even a time when he was the one introducing the stories to me. Haaay, what a wonderful handsome boy. Given the chance, I would be very pleased to take care of him and caress his wounded heart. I hope to see that boy very soon. I miss you :)

Senseless

During those hellllll weeks, the idea of creating a blog came across my mind.  That time, many possible entries came into my mind: things about politics, stress management, gender inequality, and many more. But today seems to be a very unlucky day. Nothing comes into my mind. I'm in the "sabaw" state as they call it. So I'll just start with introducing my self.

I am just an ordinary boy[?] with many random thoughts and an evil alter ego. I am not good in expressing my thoughts in words. Sa totoo lang, di naman ako magaling mag-English. May times lang talaga na I feel like speaking in the language, especially when I am talking to my self. Sounds kinda weird, but for me this is normal. I also have two personalities: the very good guy and the very evil creature. I have succeeded in suppressing the latter for the past eighteen years of my life, until today when it is slowly coming into the surface of my identity.

O diba? walang kacohe-coherence ang thoughts ko? I hope this will be just for now. I am not expecting any visitor of this blog. I mean there's a lot of better blogs that people can view where they'll be entertained and educated, so I am treating this blog as just a simple diary of mine. Bye for now! :))